Jessica Murby
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On Surrender

11/24/2017

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Some thoughts on surrender...
      A concept that’s really been getting me lately is this idea of letting go, of surrendering. I’d been wanting to let go of some stuff for a very long time in order to be able to truly live, and especially so after writing a book about using death as a teacher to thrive in life... doing so has meant having to come up against every word I’ve written in it, spanning the topics of forgiveness, letting go of the past, exploring regret, getting in touch with the end of all things, and other light subjects. For example, in the most challenging moments of struggling to get along with family members, I remember that people can very easily spend decades out of contact with one another, but that “people seem to change their minds and want to initiate contact at the end of one’s life; what was an option the whole time suddenly becomes urgent.” I haven’t been able to forget those words even when I’ve wanted to. Because, the truth is, there are so many instances that make me not want to believe that staying out of contact would hold any weight at any time in my life. Considering that relationships always have this way of revealing themselves to be paramount when it comes what truly living is, especially when considering the inevitability of death, I’ve included some of what’s been on my mind around letting go of past stuff around people lately: 
-Choosing not to let things go from the past means to have to constantly remember them, it really does take up a substantial amount of mental space… say that you don’t like how someone treated you in the past and you’re having a hard time reconciling it (when it comes to family, you probably have at least one example of this), every time you see that person, you will have to respond to them -even in light group conversation- through the lens of remembering what happened in the past and how “not okay” it was, even when you want to have peace. That can be translated in all kinds of small and insidious ways: in assuming the worst of intent during interactions, in holding back laughter when they’re being funny, in what can turn into multiple misunderstandings and false interpretations of their behavior. The weight that that remembering holds is not always apparent until it is lifted, but how to lift it? A lot of this is often easier said than done, I’ve been experimenting with how for many years, which brings me to some recently discovered techniques I’ve been working with to let this stuff go & live, below… 
-I’ve been listening to this epic #soundstrue video course by Michael A. Singer of #TheSurrenderExperiment and #TheUntetheredSoul books. These include eight, hour+ long videos focused on the subject of surrender alone. What I’ve taken away most are two things: (and I’m completely paraphrasing Michael Singer from memory as I write this) 1) Michael compares holding onto being mistreated in the past to collecting in a vial every time you smell a bad smell, and then carrying that around with you so that you don’t forget how bad it was, with the idea that doing so will ensure that it won’t occur again. It in turn ends up occurring everywhere through every experience, because you are carrying it around with you. I will say that I find letting go to be a very tricky process because it can feel as though doing so means letting people get away with wrong behavior, or like being a doormat. I know how much resistance can come up for these reasons because I’ve struggled with it greatly. Yet, if we don’t let go of them, what we hold onto will infiltrate every area of our lives and keep us from living the lives we are capable of, while really doing nothing to solve the problem with whoever we’re holding onto this stuff about. I like to simply refer to his comparison of the vial in order to stop believing that harping on these past interactions and wrongdoings in my mind will be serving. And how to deal with the mind that relentlessly thinks about these things anyway? That brings me to 2) the second practice from Michael that’s been helping me immensely & is so incredibly simple... instead of being all involved with your thoughts (not just about past resentments but about anything, internal guilt or regret as well... refer to Alive for Now Chapter 5 for more on that) just simply watch your thoughts; instead of being the one having the commentary, be in the background… not trying to change anything, not trying to push anything away, not judging, just watching. This has been a very powerful practice for me, especially when dealing with challenging situations around uncertainty, family triggers, health, and the “future.” Michael discusses the importance of letting go and using the witness consciousness when it comes to the small challenges during these interactions, so that we’ll be better prepared to deal with the large ones. 
-And the large ones are inevitable. Every one of us will face mortality, of our own and of our loved ones. How would you feel saying goodbye to each person in your life in the current state of your relationships? If there is something to reconcile, hopefully some of what I’ve been working with that I noted above may be helpful to use. I’d also like to hear from you, what practices or thoughts have you been using to let go of the past, or to resolve relationships?
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I published my book.... Alive for Now: Using Death as a Teacher to Thrive in Life

10/26/2017

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https://www.amazon.com/dp/1549605240…
I published my book today!!!!! Alive for Now: Using Death as a Teacher to Thrive in Life. This has been a dream of mine to create for nearly two years… through a series of unexpected circumstances, I feel that implementing the awareness of death into our lives may be the most valuable tool we have for living fully. It is the most accelerated way to get in touch with our truest priorities and, most importantly, get our actions in line with them. This book includes personal practices to do just that.
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The Death of Femininity & The Femininity of Death

6/4/2017

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​         Education regarding how to care for dying people seems to always come down to one simple teaching: the ability to just be with people. Which brings about the question… why would that require training? And more importantly, why do we so easily discount the power of that?
         We tend to place an immense amount of importance on having an answer, on doing something to fix a problem, on being in control, and making sense of everything. These are mainly masculine qualities. They are important qualities, and certainly have their place. A balance of those with feminine virtues is what I find to be dangerously lacking, which has been exemplified in a variety ways poignantly throughout history and uniquely now. The feminine is about embracing the mysteries, the paradoxes, about listening and surrendering, with so much that we discount yet that death asks of us, both in terms of being there for others and when our time comes.
 
 The often forgotten feminine virtues of Paradox, Mystery, Listening, and Surrender:
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                                              Paradox
       It can be difficult to hold two seemingly contradictory ideas to be true at the same time, yet paradoxes are everywhere. Death can be horrible and yet can be beautiful in a way that's often likened to birth. Grief can feel absolutely unbearable and can impede with even the most basic life tasks, yet has the capacity to change a person for the better. Being a caregiver can be a burden and an honor all at the same time.
      A friend of mine once confided in me that right after her mom died, she ran into her dad’s bedroom and excitedly exclaimed, “she did it!” and immediately felt that her relief for her mother -which prompted that- was perhaps inappropriate. She shared that it seemed to have made her dad feel uncomfortable, which then caused her to feel wrong for it. This is just one example of a person suppressing the full spectrum of how they truly feel around dying, as if having the positive feelings of relief or excitement means they can't simultaneously be grieving and holding the “negative” feelings of longing and sadness for their loved one.
     I find it to be a gift to embrace these paradoxes, that doing so allows freedom for one to explore their true feelings without being wrong or irrational for it. The masculinity of logic says we choose one and not the other. The intuitive feminine side says we can hold them both simultaneously.
                                            Mystery
     Death is often referred to as a great mystery. The necessity to come to a conclusion about all things removes the possibility of embracing mystery. This may be a culprit of the potentially hurtful responses individuals make to try to make sense of another person’s illness or death, such as blaming the cause on their fear, or being too passive, or the person needing to be somewhere else. I’m not implying that those aren’t possibilities, but that the very nature of these quick answers hint at our discomfort in embracing the feminine aspect of being with and accepting the unknowable. These answers, although likely well-intended, can hinder a grieving or ill or dying person from overtly exploring these mysteries for themselves. By embracing mysteries, we can simply openly share ideas without the need to come to a conclusion, which in turn invites others to openly question and marvel in the unknown.
                                           Listening
     I’d often heard while working in healthcare how much simply listening to others is helpful, and while I would often take time to do so, I never really gave it much credit. Being sick myself has allowed me to understand the level at which that is true. I didn’t realize the magic of this until I was on the receiving end when I really needed it. Being with a person who is actually being present and willing to listen without trying to fix anything can be a great gift. As uncomfortable as we may be with it, and as little credit we may give it, being in that unknown, uncomfortable place with a person can do wonders for them beyond what we may imagine.
                                          Surrender
     Surrendering to what is happening can be a difficult task, especially in those places and cultures in which the majority consider a lack of control to be a weakness. Dying and the loss of one’s abilities at some point give a person no choice but to surrender.
I believe it serves us to at least start to reflect on this now, before the time comes that we get the terminal diagnosis, before we are needing to depend on others due to the inevitabilities of aging and dying ourselves. 
​     We may better prepare for this time now by finding a balance of being and doing, listening and expressing, giving and receiving, and of surrender and control. And by doing so, I’ll bet that we live better in the process.
     Exploring this balance is not only for the benefit of oneself, but also for when the time comes for us to be with someone else as they are dying. To trust that holding that space is courageous and powerful and important and healing. Especially when we get to that inevitable place in which there is nothing we can do.
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How to Cope with this F'd Up Political Time

3/17/2017

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I was having a rough time this morning dealing with wtf trump is doing. I feel that many of us are actually going through a process of grief. A few tools I've used to cope:

Volunteer
“Volunteering is the ultimate exercise in democracy. You vote in elections once a year, but when you volunteer, you vote every day about the kind of community you want to live in.” — Unknown

Being a witness to the opening of a hospice home at the same time of election completely helped me through the roller coaster. It reminded me of the bigger picture: people are dying, and we can help them to be more comfortable, even if that's on a volunteer basis, as people have been doing for ages. There will always be a need and a variety of options to help people. It's also empowering to have the ability to contribute when all that's happening can be so disempowering.

Cultivate a gratitude practice
A Gratitude Practice is proven to contribute to greater happiness. I'd say a nonnegotiable 5 item list of things you're grateful for before bed. It makes us hyper aware of all things that are easy to forget we have: basic physical abilities, family, food, the freedoms we do have, etc. I do this every night before bed and when I get in a bad mood. I know no other technique for turning my mood around so quickly. 

Take action as you can
There have been so many horrific things happening that the issues can be completely overwhelming. Sometimes I will wallow, maybe there's a place for that, it feels like grieving. From a proficiency perspective though, I find that focusing on the causes we’re most passionate about to be most effective. For me, that's on Healthcare research, because I get treatment for a rare condition at the National Institutes of Health, where billions of dollars are proposed to be cut. That is life or death for those with rare diseases that don't have the option of being treated anywhere else in the world, while halting research efforts for cures. I think we have the biggest impact to address those areas that we are either most passionate about or affect us on the most personal level. Personal stories and passion have power.

Exercise
Release endorphins. Especially dance.

Try not to let politics dominate all of your conversations and relationships
I hate when I get into heated discussions or even arguments with people I love about this, it feels like he's winning all over again. Even if you agree with another person on your political view, it is important to have boundaries when it comes to going into these discussions. It's also important to have boundaries in your own mind.  It reminds me of something Eckhart Tolle teaches , when cultivating being present, it's okay to take time to plan for the future, (i.e. Spend time planning and taking action, for benefits and protests) but not letting thoughts about the future and past dominate your mind. This is hard one, but I do think we need to manage this order to be effective.

When all else fails, watch comedy
I went from crying to laughing today from watching Stephen Colbert this morning, turning my mood around enough to write this article.

Does anyone have helpful techniques to add? If so, leave a comment <3 
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Another Ram Dass Satsang on Maui

10/23/2016

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I attended a Ram Dass satsang tonight…. As I sit down, I am thinking how happy I am to be here (now), this man is 85 years old, I've always loved his teachings. I wonder, how many more opportunities will I have to listen to him live? Although I believe this life is short and who knows what happens after all of this, there may be much beyond this physical life and existence, I believe in appreciating the opportunities here and now. When I listen to him speak, it gives me more of the opportunity to live in the way that I truly believe in. To feel connected, loved, aware. I remind myself to appreciate this surreal Maui moment...

As I was reflecting on this, one of the speakers, Lei 'ohu Ryder, spoke of her elder auntie, one whom she would try and soak in the teachings of as much as possible. This auntie said to her one day “are you listening? Are going to remember what I'm teaching? Because I may not be here much longer.” Lei 'ohu figured that she had eons to live, but she went to the hospital just a few days later, the same time that Ram Dass was in the hospital actually, and Ram Dass shared, “she died, I lived.”

Ram Dass is here with us for now, whose words I always find absolutely beautiful and true, despite the aphasia he has as a result of his stroke, limiting the expression of his words...this actually makes it all more rich for me in some way. I love how quiet the audience gets, the time and space others give him to speak, his wit still expressed through his actions and expressions, how he still makes us all laugh, his willingness to continue teaching despite his aphasia. Here are a few of his words from this talk:

Why Maui?: there's a way she (Maui) has of being present with herself and everyone that she embraces, she is an expression of truth (&truth is “the one” when you get close to it).

I used to be into science, science is “two people that saw the same thing,” but I've graduated. And I see that truth is a spiritual matter, you follow your intuition, you know truth by that feeling in your heart.

A moment has no time, no place, it's just a moment.

Along with many more deeply resonating words….

At the end, when he was asked to run us through a meditation, as my eyes were closed and expecting not much of a story, he started to tell a profound experience about tripping on psilocybin… “I thought there was someone else in the room, but  it was me, that person is all my social roles...I looked down on the couch, and saw that no one was on it. I didn't have my body, I found myself inside, that was home. I shed, and all I could do was yell, I'm home.” 

I encourage us all to remember our temporary existence in this place, and that of our teachers as well. We never know when it might be the last chance to learn from or connect with another...in this life, anyway. 
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    ​Jessica Murby is a Hospice Volunteer, Occupational Therapist, lover of life, and acro yogi. She unexpectedly came upon the benefits of using death as teacher through her clinical experience and through navigating illness herself. Jessica shares this work through public speaking, writing, and workshops.
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