Jessica Murby
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The Book
Alive for Now: Using Death as a Teacher to Thrive in Life

“This is one of the most insightful and deeply truthful things I've read...”
-Laura Miner, Hospice Liaison, Maui, HI

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Is the obsession with youth related to the denial of death?

8/16/2019

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Both denying death and despising aging are insane concepts if you really think about them…yet considered normal.

It’s common to envy those that are younger than us, almost as if they’re going to stay that way forever… which is of course illogical and not directly expressed, yet that unconscious belief reveals itself through other means: sometimes overtly through the comments and jokes about envying younger people we hear and/or say on a regular basis, sometimes covertly through jealousy leading to sneaky sabotage-like behavior. If we were fully conscious of the fact that younger people were going to change too, how could we be envious or jealous? And how could we be fully conscious of that fact while continuing to deny death? <<< That’s what I mean by the denial of death being in there somewhere with this obsession with youth. Our relationship with death is so basic, a skewed relationship with it can lead us to forget that everything is changing all the time, which can keep us from fully living, and can keep us small in getting caught up in petty behaviors and mentalities in many areas, aging being only one of them.

Perhaps part of the problem is that we didn’t fully recognize our own impermanence when we were at our ‘prime,’

And aside from all of that, there’s this shame that comes with the signs of aging- as if something is happening that is not supposed to be happening to us. Although it is a natural process and includes everything in life we continue to be shocked and ashamed at the signs of it. What is up with that? Again I think it comes with the territory of that relationship with death- it comes as such a shock if on some level we pretend as if death is never gonna happen.

Sometimes these conversations lead to people saying how beautiful being old can be, but I wouldn’t say it’s beautiful. There’s a time for the shiny beauty of being younger. Decline and death do not seem pretty or easy. I’m just saying that it is. I don’t think we can make sense of what it is all about/ whatever we’re doing here in this life, but the flip side of not aging or dying is pretty scary to imagine- the horror of that is exemplified well in a movie I recently rewatched as an adult called ‘Death Becomes Her.’

There may be a necessary grief process with aging, and if there is then I hope we can let that be too. But spending life fighting against it and being ashamed and being angry at others for their youth and contributing to the toxic cultural attitudes around this seems like a huge waste of tiiiiime and energy when there are so many other more worthwhile things to do.
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Are you Becoming More Alive or are you Slowly Diminishing Each Day?

11/16/2018

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I recently heard a hospice/palliative doctor named BJ Miller articulate something that basically sums up the reason behind my work up until this point… he said something like:

At the end of life one may come to realize that what got in the way of living it authentically were things that were not necessary to abide by, but human-made constructs that were followed automatically.

I think this is so important to pay attention to because these constructs may only reveal themselves in such clarity to be unnecessary when viewing them through the lens of having little time left (or maybe sooner if we’re in the paradox of being lucky/unlucky enough for a big wake-up call). Things like…

The societal pressure to act and dress a certain way to be accepted, the amount of time we spend working on things that mean nothing to us, that 40 hours has somehow become the decided amount for which to complete every job in America each week (a life-changing idea pointed out in the 4HWW), marrying someone or choosing a major/occupation that no part of us actually wants, doing things out of the vision others have for us instead of our own, worrying about or giving our attention to petty matters, etc.

So how do we escape that which doesn’t serve us and live a full life that does not lead to us asking wtf just happened in the end? For those of us that want to make a change, I don’t find escaping these norms to be easy or to even be purely an individual matter, because they exist on the family/cultural/societal group level. Yet the results of blindly following along in my opinion are revealing themselves to be incredibly detrimental in both overt ways (i.e. people simply commenting on how dissatisfied they are with ‘the way things are,’ burn out, the feeling that there has to be something more, restlessness, etc.) and in covert ways (expressed in my opinion through numbing- contributing in part to the rising use of substances, overeating, excessive distraction, etc.). This is going to sound dramatic but I am not exaggerating when I say I think this is truly a matter of life and death. Are you living a life that makes you feel alive or are you slowly diminishing each today?

I believe it’s serving to ask how, if these norms don’t serve us, do we change what is so ingrained and insidious?

​ The reason I started asking these questions back in 2011 was because I had the opportunity at the age of 25 to meet many people with illnesses and injuries who commented how living the life they didn’t want is what led to the poor quality of life they had by the time I met them. Many of them insisted that I live my life well, yet I simultaneously was coming to realize that if I stayed on the same track I was on I’d end up with the same anxieties at the end of my life. While I was at jury duty one day in 2012 (btw I found myself relieved to be there instead of at work which then made me realize just how bad my situation was) I did this exercise on ‘fear setting’ to see the potential positive and negative outcomes of making a change. I will share that exercise in another post, it is from Tim Ferriss’ book The Four Hour Work Week. It was the final push from what I remember that got me to take the leap. For now, I’ll share some of the actual pros/cons of leaving my ordinary life, which I now realize has involved escaping many of the human-made constructs I mentioned previously...

CONS
  • Doubt/worry/judgement from family members
  • Financial instability
  • Moments of stress about basic needs being met- shelter, healthy food, car repairs
  • Misconceptions by many others about who you are and what you’re doing
  • Being bitten by a brown recluse spider in the desert and walking into the ER without health insurance

PROS
  • Realizing the person you’ve become vs. who you may be if you waited
  • How many times your needs actually are met in magical and unexpected ways
  • Realizing you would have spent a lot more money (and life) on making sure you had health insurance
  • When your family starts to change their mind because they realize that not all of their fears about you were founded and they eventually respect you more for who you’ve become in the process and some of them even get inspired by your journey and support you in it and maybe even make changes in their own life as well
  • The feeling of being truly yourself in the presence of others when it wasn’t like that before
  • Everything you learn along the way- increasing your skills in variety of ways you had never planned
  • Meeting people you would have never met otherwise that relate to your weirdness and your view on life
  • Getting used to do doing things that are scary, leading to doing things that you always wanted to do despite the fear like public speaking or acro yoga or meeting new people and moving to new places
  • Getting over things that used to bother you
  • Finding new connections with friends / healthy relationships
  • Not regretting a thing despite the challenges
  • Knowing that you can always ‘go back’ in some way to the way things were previously, but never actually choosing to
  • And so much more...

With these potential pro/cons that are consistent with not only my journey but many others I’ve met on the path, the answer to the question of how to do things differently comes down to the willingness to respond to what is calling you personally despite the fear, despite the noise and opinions of others. And what is gained from the experience of doing so is likely not what we originally set out for, but about who we become in the process. It is not easy, but a worthwhile journey in my opinion that holds less risk than remaining complacent.

Does anyone here relate or have items to add? I think it’s important to share, and that what this is is a process of coming to life...
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Some tips if you’re feeling sad or depressed or in grief...

2/20/2018

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This past weekend I was sick and I had way too much time to myself, I was reminded of how being in your head can quickly turn into a very scary situation. It felt like a bad trip...

1) MOVE YOUR BODY.
Don’t try to solve your problem in your head. Your head is a scary and dangerous place, I don’t care who you are, too much time in there, and you’re crazy. Even if you just walk outside for 5 minutes, go to a basic exercise class, any movement. But don’t think, don’t even try to force yourself to positively think. 
2) Reach out to somebody to get a reality check.
Sometimes you need a person to remind you of things that you forget when your reality gets distorted and you’re only noticing the negative. (Thank you,Laura Seddon). Avoid reaching out to people that tend to reinforce your fears and insecurities until you're feeling better. 
3) Don’t compare suffering.
It seems to add to suffering when there’s no “real” reason to feel that way. I’ve often heard people who are grieving say that they think their feelings are ridiculous. Emotions don’t seem to care what logic says about them. And also on that note, if they are pushed away, they don’t seem to go anywhere, and they can take over. 
4) Avoid excessive social media.
5) Volunteer. 
When we feel like we aren't serving or contributing in the world, even if we’re “busy” with things that don’t feel purposeful, there can be this nagging sense that there is something we're ignoring, that can get very dark. There is always the option to serve. I think we're meant to in order to thrive as humans and this can also be a way to get a greater perspective on what others are going through. 
6) Know that you have a choice. 
You really do have the power to take small steps even if you are in the extreme of being stuck in bed. I love Mel Robbins’ “54321,” to just simply give yourself 5 seconds to get off your ass by counting to yourself. Those small decisions are actually up to you, even when you can see all the evidence as to how real your depression and anxiety is because it runs in your family, etc., I’m not saying those things aren't real, but that you often do have choice when it feels like you don't. 
7) Hard times are “meant to be" in my opinion.
This can be annoying to hear, but I believe they are meant to be, and that that is why no human has ever managed to avoid them (despite the current focus on happiness and positive thinking). These moments can be catalysts for necessary change. It seems like we often need to get to the point that the suffering is too much to not make a change.
Like what Elisabeth Kubler Ross said in regards to grief...
"...you will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
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    ​Jessica Murby is a Hospice Liaison, Occupational Therapist, lover of life, and acro yogi. She unexpectedly came upon the benefits of using death as teacher through her clinical experience and through navigating illness herself. She is part of a lifelong research study at the National Institutes of Health (N.I.H.). Jessica currently splits her time between her roots in New England and the beautiful island of Maui. She shares her unique work most anywhere she’s invited to through public speaking, writing, and workshops.
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