When it comes to taking care of business in our lives order to live fully while we’re here, these ideas of surrender and forgiveness keep coming up. This past summer I researched some of the ancient Hawaiian practice of Ho’oponopono, which I find holds some serious wisdom in regards to settling issues in the family and beyond. This may be particularly pertinent this time of year and in regards to the obvious conflict that is going on in general. The most important aspect of Ho’oponopono that we can bring into our modern times I feel is:
​
   ~We must go back to the source of the problem in order to correct what has been done~

  Nothing ever goes away if it’s not addressed, it becomes a tangled mess that is nonfunctional. That mess becoming more obvious lately may not be a bad thing, we may be closer to ‘getting to the source.’ (On a smaller scale, in the case of family triggers over the holidays, it may be helpful to refer to this practice in order to untie what has been done while we still have the opportunity.)

   Mary Kawena Pukui described Ho’oponopono as: “setting to right; to make right; to correct; to restore and maintain good relationships among family, and family-and-supernatural powers. The specific family conference in which relationships were ‘set right’ through prayer, discussion, confession, repentance, and mutual restitution and forgiveness.” From the book Nānā I Ke Kumu- Look to the Source.

Some of this practice from Nānā I Ke Kumu:
• A statement of the obvious problem to be solved or prevented from growing worse
• The “setting to rights” of each successive problem that becomes apparent during the course of ho’oponopono, even though this might make a series of ho’oponoponos necessary 
• Self-scrutiny and discussion of individual conduct, attitudes and emotions
• A quality of absolute truthfulness and sincerity. Hawaii called this ‘oia’i’o, the “very spirit of truth”
• Immediate restitution or arrangements to make restitution as soon as possible
• Mutual forgiveness and releasing from the guilts, grudges, and tensions 
• Nearly always, the leader called for periods of silence called ho’omalu. Ho’omalu was invoked to calm tempers, encourage self-inquiry into actions, motives and feelings, or simply for rest during an all-day ho’oponopono. And once the dispute was settled, the leader decreed ho’omalu for the whole subject, both immediately and long after ho’oponopono ended. 
• Closing rituals: ... followed by ‘aha ‘aina - feast.
...
Attitudes needed for the Ho’oponopono:
• The basic belief that problems could be resolved definitely if they were approached properly; must be approached with a true intention to correct wrongs 
• Confession of error must be full and honest 
• Nothing could be withheld
• Prayers, contrition, and the forgiving-freeing of kala* must come from the heart
*the significant use of “free” and “loosen” rather than to forget is discussed under kala
   It may not be feasible for us to engage in this specific family conference, and it would be idealistic to say that every person would be willing to bring forth these qualities and attitudes. I have found it helpful to call on these principles and qualities even in small conflicts, and to remember that the conflict isn’t always what it seems like it is about. Whether it is something within ourselves, with those around us, or in our country, we won’t settle anything without looking to the source.

What I find most freeing is the idea of "Kala," the decision to untie it & let it go...
​
“Its power and influence lies in the recognition of our basic humanity and the need for healing in every moment of our lives.” 
~Malcom Nāea Chun

    Valuing the positive aspects of life seems to be the standard today; a focus on happiness, optimism, positive thinking, as well as the general social norm of keeping conversations to uplifting topics. It’s almost considered bad manners to answer the question of “how are you?” with any mention of struggle, sadness, or grief.
       I’ve experienced the benefits of optimism and intention very much in my own life, which is why I was shocked when I began to notice a theme of this approach to life being a culprit of much distress for those experiencing circumstances that are considered “dark,” such as having an illness, dying, or simply going through anything that is considered undesirable.
Some examples of the dark side of positivity:

• A person experiencing a serious illness or other problem feels dejected or even alienated by others due to being told by numerous people that they are manifesting their issue, and to switch to more positive thoughts.
• A person feels guilt, insecurity, or lack of confidence for being diagnosed with a terminal illness, other ailment, or even for dying. They may not be able to identify exactly why they’re experiencing these emotions, but feel as though they have done something “wrong.”
• Someone experiencing grief is demanded to “show up” in a culture that expects happiness, emotional control, and productivity, adding to their suffering and complicating their process.
• When the truth of having a terminal illness is avoided by individuals and loved ones, resulting in a failure to appreciate the moments that are left.
• When speaking out loud about death is considered dangerous, as if it’s bad luck or unnatural, leading to lack of preparedness throughout life.
• When we say we’re “good” when we’re really something more like depressed, anxious, on the brink of divorce, etc., which leads to us feeling more depressed, which in turn makes others who are feeling all of those things feel worse too because they think our lives are so great.

       Since sadness, struggle, endings, and death are a natural part of life, how is it that we’ve made them out to be deficiencies? Many would deny that we’ve made them out to be deficiencies, which is why I’ve compiled the examples above. I don’t believe it’s always a conscious issue. It’s more often kept in the shadow, a faith in positivity being one reason it remains there. This issue seems to become apparent to a person once they’ve experienced something cataclysmic, as I have heard such common examples from many individuals experiencing illness, dying, and grief.
       The positive approach certainly appears to be valuable and supportive, which may be the reason it can be so insidious. As profound the effects of a positive mentality can be, the problem I find with it is that it’s only half of the truth of the reality of life, and not applicable to everything. Darkness is just as present as light here on earth, even literally- like how there is a sunset for every sunrise, joy and pain wavering in every one of us, death being part of the deal with every birth, impermanence presenting itself constantly.
        It may be best for us to explore this reality of the full spectrum of life now; including what is dark or undesirable, considering that significant challenges will arise for each and every one of us. And with that, it may be serving for us to give ourselves and one another space to explore the feelings that arise when we do.
      Death and grief and illness may not even be inherently negative, perhaps they may have a meaning beyond what we can comprehend as we’re in the midst of them. Maybe if we got everything we wanted in the way of positivity we wouldn’t have any growth. By making these parts of life out to be failures, we may fail to truly live and be there for one another. 
(An excerpt from Chapter 6 from my book, Alive for Now: Using Death as a Teacher to Thrive in Life: https://www.amazon.com/Alive-Now-Using-Teacher…/…/1549605240)