Jessica Murby
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Is it possible that we don't have free will?

11/10/2021

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     I recently listened to Sam Harris’ take on free will… basically the theory that we don’t have any, that everything we say / do / are is a result of the causes and conditions that came before.

        This is a theory that in the past I’ve never liked- mainly because experiences in my adult life have led me to believe that we have a much greater ability to change than we often give ourselves credit for- but that change is often easily avoided because it comes through taking steps that feel impossible but are not. If I trace back what might have led to my having this mentality, I always think of this life-changing moment that occurred when I was ~20 years old... I came across a book about habit change that I found in my parents’ basement- which in short led me from the misery of believing that I was a result of my conditioning into an empowering place of learning techniques to change. Applying what I read in that book has not been easy- it takes an incredible amount of determination to act when the task feels impossible, and I had presumed that doing so was an act of my own free will, which is the part I am now questioning. Over the years I’ve wondered about what was involved with that moment occurring in the first place- the fact that I saw the book there, what made me pick it up, the ability to take in the information and apply it, to witness others read the same book in the future as a class assignment in college and it mean nothing to them. << The question of free will comes up with all of those questions, and might be the most important part >> It can be so easy to assume that everything we say and do is conscious and purposeful, as if we all have the same baseline awareness, experiences, and genes, as if we can simply choose to have certain tendencies and traits and not have others. 

​       Judgement of others and ourselves seems to become much less necessary when considering this theory as well, which can make everything feel much lighter. My mind keeps coming back to younger kids when considering this lack of free will theory ~ how the overachiever star athlete is often given credit for being who they are, and we can somehow do so while simultaneously recognizing that the causes and conditions of their life have allowed for that. Yet the credit and praise will be given to them (and/or their parents) for being such good people. I am not saying they or their parents don’t deserve any positive regard or reinforcement and that it takes no effort on their part, it’s just interesting how we assign credit for them being this way. 

      & We can have the intellectual understanding that a person in an underserved community, who has been abused, who has been under stress from the time they were born, etc. does not have the same chance as the example above, yet it seems to be common to punish them for the behavior that arises out of those causes and conditions. I am not saying they don't need rules or boundaries, but the typical way it is dealt with only seems to contribute to more shame, isolation, and reinforcement of bad behavior. 

      
And although we might have this intellectual understanding re: kids, any hint of empathy or understanding seems to go out the window when they become adults. There is a documentary on the 10 most heinous crimes ever committed and the criminals all had the same two things in common. They were all abused as children + had a history of brain injury...

     
What seems to stop this lack of free will theory from being considered is that it seems to be assumed that we believe that in turn everyone should be forgiven & able to roam freely at a danger to others. I think we can apply this theory without letting dangerous people remain free. However, what we currently do to them - societally and in institutions- seems to make them worse while reinforcing all the judgement, blame and shame instead of making them better. I am not proposing what to do with them instead, but to simply consider applying this theory in our minds / institutions / families. Sam Harris made a great point that a kinder alternative could ultimately serve us, as people are getting out of prison earlier than ever, and if they are coming out worse, that puts their neighbors in greater danger. 

      I am not immune from believing that people are choosing to be assholes. The default in my mind tends to be to blame and shame others. The most difficult thing to do in the midst of conflict is to step back and see why the person may be believing what they do or acting the way that they do.  Especially now in the midst of such extreme polarization, it may serve us to consider that contributing to this shame and blame and getting louder in stating all the ways the opposition is wrong may only make the other person (and ourselves) worse. 

Sam Harris’ series on free will part 1 of 7…

​
https://dynamic.wakingup.com/course/E0395C?source=content%20share&share_id=C7F96B1A


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My Interview with Ethan (He’s in the hospital in NC with Stage 4 Brain Cancer)

10/19/2020

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https://youtu.be/3yHDwvRPX6c

A quick overview re: what Ethan has been through…

Oct. 2019 On a flight Hawaii > NY, had a stroke, diagnosed with a plum sized Stage 4 Glioblastoma Brain Tumor, immediate surgery, radiation, chemo

Recently had an apartment fire, losing all of his possessions

Currently in the hospital in Charlotte, NC with a major head infection, requiring more surgery

There are many more details, that simply sums it up the best I can^

I interviewed him on Zoom. We discuss what might be the meaning of illness, how he stays present, the guilt and shame that can arise with these challenges, how he feels about death and healing, intuition, how we might support him, etc.

Ethan’s go fund me page:
https://www.gofundme.com/f/healingethan?fbclid=IwAR2GzI5VyLYszGpmbHSdleAqbXyK1Jp0TV3fSueFyUQ4HwdxgEMjImDN3NE

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The Lie

7/3/2020

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      Why do we say / act as if we’re good all the time? I’m not convinced that that’s the whole story. A participant in one of my workshops pointed out that he usually gives the ‘highlight reel’ when someone asks how his weekend was, he said, ‘I don’t tell them about the 12 hours I spent depressed in bed watching Netflix, I just tell them the good stuff.’ My co-facilitator and I immediately broke out into that ‘knowing laughter’ upon him admitting this. It was like he broke the social norm and said the taboo thing re: his own sadness, and in turn we felt incredibly relieved and connected. Lately, I’ve been wondering a lot about this phenomenon, my question is, what does it potentially do to others when we hide that sad part? What if the person asking also spent 12 hours in bed depressed and they go on thinking everyone else’s life is so great as they share their highlight reel as well and hide the rest?

      I got high by accident the other night- I won't go into the details of how it happened but I will say it’s a very different experience to be high without knowing you’re high. And something happened that was familiar yet so easy to forget when I’m feeling good… it’s that old voice that comes in and gives all the examples of what a piece of shit I am. All the things suddenly flood in to feel shame, regret, etc. about, displaying all of the evidence piece by piece. It was hard to believe anything else was true.

      I asked a few therapists that I know about this… is it typical for people to struggle with these thoughts? With this voice? Is that what we’re all referring to when we mention the horrific thoughts that comes in at night when we’re trying to sleep? They all confirmed this is incredibly common. I asked another few friends for confirmation as I was recovering from my ‘being high without knowing I was high’ experience (btw, they’d hinted at it in moments in the past, but mostly have just given glimpses, likely for fear of being ‘found out’ as well) these friends confirmed these feelings, the insecurities and worries took slightly different forms depending on their deepest source of pain, but overall, they sounded the same.

      Two days later, I facilitated a workshop on regret which went into a lot of depth. Everyone, no matter how different their life experience or age, shared feelings of shame, insecurity, regret. Everyone struggled with their relationships in some way. Everyone questioned their worthiness. And I felt a healing over the simple fact that everyone was sharing this side of their lives, and realized this has happened many times before. I have recognized this truth, and then forgotten again, thinking that I’m alien for it, which reinforces the separateness and increases the shame. Again, they sounded the same.

      This reminds me of something a friend put into words that I had never said out loud but I deeply resonated with- when she first arrives at a retreat, she judges everyone, assuming their lives are simple, shallow, perfect, and then a few days go by of being in a place that’s outside the social norms and niceties, and people start admitting what’s under the surface. By the end of the retreat, she loves everyone there, understanding exactly why they ever act like an asshole, recognizing our universal humanness which includes pain, confusion, shame. I have experienced this phenomenon as well, and imo, instead of our greatest fears coming true of believing we’ll be ostracized for these darker feelings, we are often more loved and connected for it. And then we slowly forget again as we reintegrate back into the regular world and revert again to putting our defenses up and telling the lie.

      You could argue that myself and everyone I asked is insane or sensitive or particularly traumatized in some way. But as I get close to anyone I realize their life is much more complex than it seems and that this feeling is somewhere.

      When I’ve admitted to having these darker internal experiences more publicly in the past, I've been asked if I’m okay, I’ve been questioned if I’m suicidal, which adds to the lie because again it denies that these feelings are a typical part of our human experience. I think it’s true on some level for all of us, and that the lie is upheld for fear of being found out and ostracized.

If this lie doesn’t exist…

...then why would we take it as normal to do the 10000000 things to distract ourselves from being with our own thoughts?

…then why would people kill themselves that we thought were fine?

…then why would so many people resonate with Brene Brown’s work on Vulnerability?

…then why are we so often fooled into thinking others’ lives are perfect until the divorce happens or something else breaks down?

      I’d go as far to say that we’re all hiding it, and I’ll go even further by saying that it’s a crime against one another to do so.

      The real lie is in believing that voice that says we’re worthless in some way, that if we were fully seen we’d never be fully accepted and loved. And the shame is in pretending as if we don’t feel it. Maybe we should stop telling the lie.
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Is the obsession with youth related to the denial of death?

8/16/2019

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Both denying death and despising aging are insane concepts if you really think about them…yet considered normal.

It’s common to envy those that are younger than us, almost as if they’re going to stay that way forever… which is of course illogical and not directly expressed, yet that unconscious belief reveals itself through other means: sometimes overtly through the comments and jokes about envying younger people we hear and/or say on a regular basis, sometimes covertly through jealousy leading to sneaky sabotage-like behavior. If we were fully conscious of the fact that younger people were going to change too, how could we be envious or jealous? And how could we be fully conscious of that fact while continuing to deny death? <<< That’s what I mean by the denial of death being in there somewhere with this obsession with youth. Our relationship with death is so basic, a skewed relationship with it can lead us to forget that everything is changing all the time, which can keep us from fully living, and can keep us small in getting caught up in petty behaviors and mentalities in many areas, aging being only one of them.

Perhaps part of the problem is that we didn’t fully recognize our own impermanence when we were at our ‘prime,’

And aside from all of that, there’s this shame that comes with the signs of aging- as if something is happening that is not supposed to be happening to us. Although it is a natural process and includes everything in life we continue to be shocked and ashamed at the signs of it. What is up with that? Again I think it comes with the territory of that relationship with death- it comes as such a shock if on some level we pretend as if death is never gonna happen.

Sometimes these conversations lead to people saying how beautiful being old can be, but I wouldn’t say it’s beautiful. There’s a time for the shiny beauty of being younger. Decline and death do not seem pretty or easy. I’m just saying that it is. I don’t think we can make sense of what it is all about/ whatever we’re doing here in this life, but the flip side of not aging or dying is pretty scary to imagine- the horror of that is exemplified well in a movie I recently rewatched as an adult called ‘Death Becomes Her.’

There may be a necessary grief process with aging, and if there is then I hope we can let that be too. But spending life fighting against it and being ashamed and being angry at others for their youth and contributing to the toxic cultural attitudes around this seems like a huge waste of tiiiiime and energy when there are so many other more worthwhile things to do.
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Are you Becoming More Alive or are you Slowly Diminishing Each Day?

11/16/2018

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I recently heard a hospice/palliative doctor named BJ Miller articulate something that basically sums up the reason behind my work up until this point… he said something like:

At the end of life one may come to realize that what got in the way of living it authentically were things that were not necessary to abide by, but human-made constructs that were followed automatically.

I think this is so important to pay attention to because these constructs may only reveal themselves in such clarity to be unnecessary when viewing them through the lens of having little time left (or maybe sooner if we’re in the paradox of being lucky/unlucky enough for a big wake-up call). Things like…

The societal pressure to act and dress a certain way to be accepted, the amount of time we spend working on things that mean nothing to us, that 40 hours has somehow become the decided amount for which to complete every job in America each week (a life-changing idea pointed out in the 4HWW), marrying someone or choosing a major/occupation that no part of us actually wants, doing things out of the vision others have for us instead of our own, worrying about or giving our attention to petty matters, etc.

So how do we escape that which doesn’t serve us and live a full life that does not lead to us asking wtf just happened in the end? For those of us that want to make a change, I don’t find escaping these norms to be easy or to even be purely an individual matter, because they exist on the family/cultural/societal group level. Yet the results of blindly following along in my opinion are revealing themselves to be incredibly detrimental in both overt ways (i.e. people simply commenting on how dissatisfied they are with ‘the way things are,’ burn out, the feeling that there has to be something more, restlessness, etc.) and in covert ways (expressed in my opinion through numbing- contributing in part to the rising use of substances, overeating, excessive distraction, etc.). This is going to sound dramatic but I am not exaggerating when I say I think this is truly a matter of life and death. Are you living a life that makes you feel alive or are you slowly diminishing each today?

I believe it’s serving to ask how, if these norms don’t serve us, do we change what is so ingrained and insidious?

​ The reason I started asking these questions back in 2011 was because I had the opportunity at the age of 25 to meet many people with illnesses and injuries who commented how living the life they didn’t want is what led to the poor quality of life they had by the time I met them. Many of them insisted that I live my life well, yet I simultaneously was coming to realize that if I stayed on the same track I was on I’d end up with the same anxieties at the end of my life. While I was at jury duty one day in 2012 (btw I found myself relieved to be there instead of at work which then made me realize just how bad my situation was) I did this exercise on ‘fear setting’ to see the potential positive and negative outcomes of making a change. I will share that exercise in another post, it is from Tim Ferriss’ book The Four Hour Work Week. It was the final push from what I remember that got me to take the leap. For now, I’ll share some of the actual pros/cons of leaving my ordinary life, which I now realize has involved escaping many of the human-made constructs I mentioned previously...

CONS
  • Doubt/worry/judgement from family members
  • Financial instability
  • Moments of stress about basic needs being met- shelter, healthy food, car repairs
  • Misconceptions by many others about who you are and what you’re doing
  • Being bitten by a brown recluse spider in the desert and walking into the ER without health insurance

PROS
  • Realizing the person you’ve become vs. who you may be if you waited
  • How many times your needs actually are met in magical and unexpected ways
  • Realizing you would have spent a lot more money (and life) on making sure you had health insurance
  • When your family starts to change their mind because they realize that not all of their fears about you were founded and they eventually respect you more for who you’ve become in the process and some of them even get inspired by your journey and support you in it and maybe even make changes in their own life as well
  • The feeling of being truly yourself in the presence of others when it wasn’t like that before
  • Everything you learn along the way- increasing your skills in variety of ways you had never planned
  • Meeting people you would have never met otherwise that relate to your weirdness and your view on life
  • Getting used to do doing things that are scary, leading to doing things that you always wanted to do despite the fear like public speaking or acro yoga or meeting new people and moving to new places
  • Getting over things that used to bother you
  • Finding new connections with friends / healthy relationships
  • Not regretting a thing despite the challenges
  • Knowing that you can always ‘go back’ in some way to the way things were previously, but never actually choosing to
  • And so much more...

With these potential pro/cons that are consistent with not only my journey but many others I’ve met on the path, the answer to the question of how to do things differently comes down to the willingness to respond to what is calling you personally despite the fear, despite the noise and opinions of others. And what is gained from the experience of doing so is likely not what we originally set out for, but about who we become in the process. It is not easy, but a worthwhile journey in my opinion that holds less risk than remaining complacent.

Does anyone here relate or have items to add? I think it’s important to share, and that what this is is a process of coming to life...
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    ​Jessica Murby is a Hospice Volunteer, Occupational Therapist, lover of life, and acro yogi. She unexpectedly came upon the benefits of using death as teacher through her clinical experience and through navigating illness herself. Jessica shares this work through public speaking, writing, and workshops.
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